The fuzzy picture

I am a concrete person. I like certainty, I like being able to rely on things. Be confident in things. I don't like the vulnerable feeling of uncertainty. It leaves me feeling, well, vulnerable. This is one of my frustrations with autism. There is very little predicability. Caden's future is fuzzy. I think as parents it is natural to have dreams for your children and even if those dreams may not be as specific as a child becoming a doctor or a lawyer, I have a picture in my head. A picture of marriage, children, accomplishments, their own dreams coming true. Caden's picture is fuzzy. No one can tell me the sequence of this disorder, no one is able to say what will or will not happen. It is all dependent on so many variables, few of which I can control; and I have even less control over Caden's response. Autism has its features, but it is a wide spectrum made even wider by the fact that it affects no two people the same way. Everyone who has autism has their own brand of autism, their own unique spot on the span of the spectrum that is individual to them alone. I am still working out Caden's spot. I am sure just as we all evolve in our lives Caden's spot will also evolve. I know that as Caden's parent it is my job to help him and support him in becoming the person God intended him to be. That no matter his future, it is my job to be his support and cheerleader in life. Just the same as I will be to Ethan. And once again I will relinquish control, because no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I am in control of their lives, I am not. That belongs to a higher power than myself. And in that I can feel safe, confident and secure.