I have done some thinking recently on the year (almost) since Caden received the diagnosis; where we were last year as a family and where we are now. I have to say I am rather proud of us. I remember shortly into September last year, I caught the tail end of an Oprah show on autism. Happened to catch the statistic that 80% of couples with autistic children end up splitting because of the strain it puts on the relationship. I started to cry and couldn't stop, sat there on the sofa and sobbed. Shortly after that I remember having a desperate conversation with Ryan about my fears, I didn't want us to become a statistic. What, I desperately wanted to know, was going to stop us from becoming that? We talked about the importance of all the things that we had always considered important in our relationship and how those things were more important now than ever. Honesty, communication, vulnerability, all those things that had allowed our relationship to grow and prosper in the past, were now more important than ever. The greatest gift that we can give our children is a solid relationship that is an example of respect and love. I wanted to make sure we did everything that we could to protect that.
When I look back, I see a determination to live my life in a way that I haven't entirely allowed myself to in the past. I have often gotten stuck in "playing a role." Being who people expect me to be rather than who I am. I instinctively knew that in order to get through this I was going to have to be true to myself. This year has been a journey of discovery for me. A year of self-examination and exploration. That once and for all I had to live my life truly and completely authentically. I owed that to my marriage as well as my family. And I have done just that, lived my life without apology. Without feeling the need to "play a role." This is me, this is what you get. And I have never felt this good in my own skin, never felt this "at home." Found things out about myself I didn't know, loved deeper and harder, without restraint or fear. I find it interesting to look back and think, "Would I have lived the last year the way I did if autism hadn't entered our lives?" Doubt it.
I think it is always possible to find the blessing in something, even when it doesn't feel like a blessing. I think this is where faith comes in. I believe sometimes things are brought into my life to strip me of my pride, to learn to rely less on myself and my abilities and instead turn to what is important. My marriage, my kids, my faith in God. Just when you think you can't do it on your own anymore, you realize you don't have to. Autism, although not what I would have chosen for my family, has been a blessing. It has taught me to experience and live life in a way that I would not have otherwise. Life is about learning and growing and I am thankful for this experience and excited about how it will continue to evolve in our family. I am no longer afraid of the future. Autism is no longer about the unknown, but about the endless possibilities.
