Ethan

Eight years ago yesterday I gave birth to our first born. Eight years. Wasn't that just yesterday? Feels like it. I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember when he was born he let out a short cry and then silence. When I held him for the first time he had these huge eyes, that were filled with wonder of the world that he was experiencing for the first time. Unlike a lot of newborns that fall asleep shortly after birth, Ethan stayed up most of the night. Continuing to soak all the newness in. 

I remember many people commenting on his expressions as a newborn. He often looked like he deep in thought. This has proved true as he has grown up. Sometimes it seems to me like Ethan can get "lost" in his head. That at times he over thinks things. I know where this comes from. Guilty. And for that reason I tend to get frustrated, because I want to tell him "I know better, stop doing that, its not worth the stress." And also because I know how hard that is to do, let alone for an eight year old who is far from that kind of self awareness. Which is why I want him to trust me, I know better, just do as I say. I find this to be the pull and tug of parenting. The knowing better yet also knowing that all those experiences that may be trying times are also what forms people. It is what makes us who we are, defines us. This is where values and principles are formed and forged, the moments where self-awareness occurs. I can't manufacture that, force it or deny it. I am thankful for those experiences in my life both good and bad because they shaped me, and I am who I am because of it. Doesn't make it less hard to watch your child go through them though. 

Ethan has been in his head a lot recently. I know some of this is Caden. And to Ethan right now Caden is a burden to bear. I don't blame him, so much of the burden of expectation is on him. For instance, something that would be natural for brother such as wrestling, is not possible with Caden. Caden just gets too rough and then Ethan is forced with the choice of defending himself and hurting Caden or allowing Caden to continue hurting him. So it is not allowed in our home. I feel his frustration, understand it. I sometimes even feel as though it is mirrored. Simple things are often made hard with a brother like Caden. Caden is hard for me to understand. I can only imagine how hard it is for Ethan. And I know there are times when he just wishes Caden could be "normal" and do "normal" things.

I am a strict parent. I have high expectations. I know that these expectations have been made higher on Ethan because of Caden. This is not fair. I fear that this weighs on him. And sometimes I hate myself for it. I need to do better. Truth is, I am proud of Ethan. He is protective of his brother and celebrates Caden and his accomplishments. When Caden does something new or learns a new word Ethan is so excited for him. Caden's own cheerleader in life. He truly does love Caden. 

I don't want Ethan to get lost in his head. In some ways he is such an old soul already, with responsibilities of maturity beyond his years. I don't want him to grow up too fast, he already is growing so fast in my eyes. I am reminded that he is still a little boy that needs to stay that way, at least for a little longer.