Independence day

My children are very different people. Sometimes staggeringly so. Ethan fights to stay close, is not in much of a hurry to grow up, he likes being taken care of. Cade fights to be free. Even when he was little Ethan stayed close, right next to me. I remember once when he was three and we were Christmas shopping, we were in the mall and I had too many bags to hold his hand. Without be told to do so he held onto one of the bags. I have never had to wish for Ethan to be more careful, I have had to push him to be brave. Caden on the other hand... well he has made my heart jump into my throat on more than one occasion. He fights for independence like his life depends on it. At times and in certain places this can be very scary. I realize that this is normal and natural but given our history with Ethan, it's not something I have much experience with. And with Caden it's something that is much harder to trust. His judgement is somewhat, ummm.... lacking. 

When he was diagnosed with autism they gave his "danger judgement" a score of 18 months, which means that he has the judgement of an 18 month old when it comes to danger. Danger such as fire or cars. He has run out into busy streets. We have talked about putting him on a leash. This makes for stressful outings at times. I allow Cade to have as much independence as possible in controlled surroundings, but he always fights me for more. I am not sure how to handle this. It is a big question mark. And I find it ironic that what I crave for in one child, I fight against in the other. Independence is a natural part of growing up and is something I have to resist in my one child and push in the other. 

I have found like most things in life, parenting can not be boxed up and tied neatly with a bow. It is far more complex than that, the personalities involved demand it. Sometimes I wish for the life of a sitcom Mom. Problems presented and solved neatly within a short 30 min period. Where are the script writers in my life? If they are there, they are failing badly. Either that or my life is some sort of documentary. The kind with the scary close ups and the all too real reality. (Okay... it isn't that bad). 

I remember when the boys were babies, longing for a time when they would be older and be more independent; longing for a time when they wouldn't be so "needy." Now I find myself longing for a time when things were simple. Simple needs such as feeding and changing or a cuddle were much more cut and dried. I often remind myself that I need to stay in the moment, not wish for a time that has past or hope for a future that I do not know. But stay present with what is true, with what is now. I only wish that I had more answers for myself or others fighting the same things. But what I know is true, is that I will continue to seek and search for those answers no matter my inabilities or weaknesses. I won't settle for less than that.